Sunday, June 11, 2006

Just Desserts

It was a sunny April day when JoBeth McClusky found out that her husband, Rick, was having an affair with the town’s…how do you say it delicately? Well, let’s just say she was as easy to get as a cut in a briar patch.

There we were, standin’ on the sidewalk in front of Pat’s Set and Curl, just leavin’ after our monthly beautifyin’, when we saw Rick sittin’ across the street next to the park in his precious Cadillac with his hand down Virginia Hoopah’s blouse! Right next to the statue of Blue Falls, Alabama’s own General Lee Hartford who died in the Battle of Blue Falls durin’ the War of Northern Aggression.

I declayah, it was one of the most shockin’ things I have evah seen, let me tell y’all! If it had been me, I’d have marched right ovah to that car and wrung his neck, that’s for sure.

But not Jo Beth McClusky. She stood there for, I don’t know how long, couldn’t have been but a few minutes, but her face nevah moved. Not a sign of angah or sadness. She just turned away and began walkin’ down the sidewalk towards her house on Spring Street.

Latah on she would tell us ladies at the Set and Curl how she got even with the cheatin’ son of a witch. It was pretty sickenin’, let me tell y’all right now. That woman went straight home like nothin’ had even happened and started dinnah. When Rick came home a few hours latah, Jo Beth was calm, cool and the perfect southern lady. Little did he know that his beef casserole was actually made with his dog, Fred’s, canned Alpo. She called it Alporole. Snort

But THAT was only the beginnin’. A few days latah, she called me while I was watchin’ my soap opera. At first I was annoyed, but what she had to say grabbed my attention, and y’all know that nothin’ can drag me away from Sofie, Mal and my other favorite charactahs.

"Dadgummit, Jolene! Y’all won’t believe what I found this mornin’! That dadblamed man is a swingah!"

"A what? He’s been swingin’? On what, Jo Beth?"

"No! He’s a swingah! He’s been goin’ to these parties…" she whispered, "Orgies, Jolene!"

"No!" I was horrified, if not slightly titillated.

"Yes! I found his password for the computah so I could check and see if he’d been emailin’ that slut again. but I found out that he’s been goin’ into these chat rooms for swingahs, makin’ plans to meet these deviants, and then takin’ Mrs. Virginia Hoopah as his significant othah so they could all have sex!" This last word was spoken in a hushed mannah, but I could tell she was just shocked and livid.

"I can’t even get him to buy me some Tampax!" she said, "I tell you, Jolene, I’m as mad as coon stuck in a pickle jar and I’m gonna make sure that that man pays."

"What are you gonna do, Jo Beth?" I asked eagahly. I absolutely adore gettin’ even with husbands. I have gone through two so far and both of them were cheatin’ horndogs. Let’s just say they involved Uncle Leo and his Mafia buddies up north in Chicago, but those are stories for anothah day.

Jo Beth went on, "Oh, I’ve got an idea, Hon, but I won’t say right now."

And she didn’t, to my utmost dismay. In the meantime, she went about her business as usual. Monday goin’ grocery shoppin’, Tuesday doin’ the wash, Wednesday volunteerin’ at the veterinarian’s office, etceteras, etceteras… And while she was doin’ all of that, she was makin’ side trips to old Mrs. Johnson, who was said to work voodoo and could mix up a fine potion for errin’ husbands. By Thursday, that man got his just desserts in a way that had the whole town talkin’ for months! I should know. I’ve had Mrs. Johnson’s ‘help’ before!

Now, Jo Beth walked back into the Set and Curl on Friday and said she finally wanted to confess. The girls and I sat spellbound, waitin’ to hear what dastardly deed she did to run off the cheatin’ blankety blank.

"Here, honey, have some tea," Pat had said, handing her a cold glass before sitting down in one of the cuttin’ chairs, "Now tell us all about it."

I’m gonna tell you right now that Jo Beth McClusky is a pure genius, that’s what she is. Get this…on Monday she made Rick his favorite dinnah: spicy chili and cornbread with a chocolate cake for dessert. He found out real fast that the chili was extra hot that night, but he dealt with it. The cornbread had chopped up chili peppahs in it, so he was chuggin’ down the beer like it was goin’ outa style. But the cake, oh that beautiful chocolate cake? Jo Beth used a special ingredient: Ex Lax. I know it’s common, but it’s very effective.

Rick spent the entire night on the john, bless his heart! Served him right.

Tuesday, Jo Beth sprinkled itchin’ powdah on his shirt and slacks. She said he came home from the bank early, his skin all blood red from all the scratchin’ he did. She just cooed to him, and helped him off with the offendin’ clothes, and led him to a bath filled with warm watah and some of those voodoo herbs from Mrs. Johnson. I’m assumin’ that it didn’t feel too good soakin’ into all those scratches because I could hear him yellin’ from my back porch and I live three blocks away.

But it gets bettah.

Now, on Wednesday, Jo Beth brought home a special guest from the vet’s office. Rick, unknowingly, climbed into bed with Slimy, Miss Teensy Kilbraken’s latest pet du jour who was on loan from the vet. Slimy must have been curled up at the foot of the bed undah the sheets when Rick climbed in because he started screamin’ that somethin’ had bitten his toes off and then ran out of that room in nothin’ but his underwear.

Of course, Miss Teensy had found out that Slimy had been terrorized, (won’t say who told her) so she decided to put one of her spells on Rick. Now we in Blue Falls don’t normally take much stock in spells and such, but Miss Teensy has a way about her. She has been known to make things happen. Like the time she cursed Mayah Wolford with ticks, and the time she made it snow one winter. Way down here in the south and it snowed!

Anyway, Jo Beth said she and her significant othah were sittin’ in their rockin’ chairs on the front porch when Miss Teensy walked up and then stopped, pointedly, in front of their house.

"Oh crap!" Rick had said, as he stopped rockin’.

"What’s the mattah, honey?" asked Jo Beth innocently, while cross stitchin' a sampler. She always did have a good pokah face.

"It’s that Kilbraken brat. She’s starin’ at me," Rick whispered, then jumped out of his chair. "Oh Dear Lord, she’s sayin’ something! Everybody knows when she chants she puts a curse on you! What have you done, woman?"

Jo Beth said she just kept on a rockin’ and smiled.

We all asked her what Miss Teensy had actually said, but Jo Beth refused to say. Latah, we all learned that Rick had been afflicted with a man’s problem and could no longah attend those ‘swingin’ parties any more. Plus, pictures of him and Virginia mysteriously showed up in her husband’s car along with a few loveletters they had written to each othah. Needless to say, Rick didn’t stick around long enough for Mr. Hoopah to come aftah him.

And Jo Beth? Well, she ended up with a hefty divorce settlement, the Cadillac, and the house.

Life is never dull in Blue Falls, Alabama.


© 2006 Dana Sieben
www.southerngalgoesnorth.blogspot.com

Southern Fried Biscuits

(Not for someone watching calories or cholesterol!)

1 1/4 cups milk
1/4 cup water
1 1/4 tablespoons sugar
3/4 tablespoon active dry yeast (2 2/3 packages)
1/4 cup shortening
1 3/4 teaspoons salt
2-2 5/8 cups flour

Makes approximately 24 biscuits

1 hour 10 minutes 1 hr prep
Dissolve yeast in warm water.
Add and combine sugar, shortening and salt.
Add flour until mixture has a good dough consistency.
Knead for 5 minutes and let rise until about 1 1/2 times.
(45 min) don't let it rise to high.

Roll out and cut into biscuits.

Heat oil in deep fryer to about 355 degrees but no hotter or biscuits will come out with a soggy center.

Drop biscuits in oil and fry for 8 to 10 minutes.

They should be medium brown and done through.

Do not crowd too many biscuits in the oil at one time.

Recipe donated by Jen at J. Butterfly

Thursday, June 8, 2006

FRIED DILL PICKLES

We Southerners will fry anything!









1 jar sliced hamburger dill pickles
1 egg
1/2 c. milk
1 1/2 c. fish fry

Mix egg and milk then dip pickles in mixture. Roll in fish fry. Deep fry in oil until golden and crisp. Drain well on paper towels.

It may sound odd, but they are tasty!

Recipe donated by Jen
http://asoutherngirldiscovered.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

"The Little Outdoor Toilet"

Sharing Wonderful Southern Comforts

My grandparents, Mama and Daddy, took me in upon my leaving the hospital when I was only three weeks old . Four years later, in 1949, Daddy bought a farm of our own and built our new house. At this time not many mountain folk were financially able to have indoor bathrooms so down by the creek Daddy and my two uncles, Richard and Don, dug a deep hole and set a little wooden building over it. This was "the little outdoor toilet".

If people waited until the last minute to go to the bathroom at our house, it became a serious matter when they discovered that the outdoor toilet (outhouse) was quite a distance from the house. Using an outhouse is an experience I"ll never forget, and over the years I developed a deep, passionate hatred for the little outdoor toilet. I remember our toilet well, especially on the long, cold winter nights when a foot or two of snow lay on the ground with more falling.

Poorer than some mountain folk, we owned only one porcelain "pee pot" with a lid; the one kept under Mama's and Daddy's bed. Mama had given me an eight-pound lard bucket to put under my bed as they were plentiful. When she ran out of home-rendered lard she bought Pure Lard in metal buckets. She saved them for a variety of uses such as: berry-picking, milking cows, carrying water from the spring, playing kick-the-can, or for a "pee can" under the bed.

Mama wouldn't let me use the bucket for anything other than peeing to avoid the long-suffering of other family members, and the fact that it had to be kept clean. On a cold winter night I was in trouble if I had to do "number two". I'd have to wake Daddy to light the old kerosene lantern then proceed to hunt the Sears-Roebuck catalog (good for wishing too). Sometimes we didn't have spare paper; however, we were usually well-supplied with corn cobs. It was my job to keep the basket filled with cobs as I helped Daddy shell corn for the chickens, guinneas, duck, turkeys, and pigs. I like catalogs best! The trip to the outhouse in the winter was always cold and lonely but fast. Our winters started in October and usually continued through March or April before the snows and cold would ease up.

Another reason I hated the outhouse involved my Aunt Jean, who lived in Oregon and her visits home -- thank God-- were few. Sometimes I was glad God put Oregon all the way across the country! I really love my Aunt Jean and enjoyed having her visit except for the many trips we made to the outhouse. She is Mama's youngest daughter and at that time was in her 20's (now in her 70's) and full of mischief. She had a twinkle in her eyes and possessed a floor length, PINK, chenille housecoat which she would put on a first light to make her regular trip to the outhouse. Since the outhouse stood about a hundred yards from the house she would usually dash out the door, paper in hand. Spotting the big white turkey gobbler lurking outside, she would run back in and yell, "Freda, get your stick and hurry!!". I'd grab my stick kept by the door and take off running after her.

At first glance our old turkey gobbler appeared docile. Truth be told, he was overcome with a passion for meaness like no other we had ever had. He was white as snow but his face and neck changed color with his moods. When showing off for hens, his face and neck would range from a deep turquoise blue to a pale sky blue; however, when angry or excited they would turn to violent red. He would then strut, make a loud noise by dragging his wings on the ground, and puff up like a huge, white, feathery balloon apt to burst at any moment from over-inflation! A bluff more than anything else, this was still effective enough to keep men inside their cars for protection. For years no one realized that he really was not after the men, but the other gobbler which he could see in the car; his own reflection!!

This cantankerous turkey passionately disliked hot PINK or RED colors. He seemed to lurk just outside the back door, waiting for trouble, especially when Aunt Jean was home. The moment she popped out the door in that old pink housecoat, he would strut, bobbing his head up and down 'til he looked as if he were an Indian doing a war dance. He'd turn as red as the "poke" berries which he loved to eat so well, while drumming his wing tips on the ground with anger. I'd whip him away, escort Aunt Jean to the outhouse, then stand guard because I had actually seen him so angry that he would "flog" the door. Aunt Jean must have enjoyed the turkey's exhibition or she would have worn something else to the outhouse. She kept that housecoat for years.

Even more scary were the many unwelcome visitors and boarders which frequently inhabited the outhouse. The monstrous bird spiders would move in, web, babies and all overnight, then pretend to pay rent by catching insects. The spider's legs, long as those belonging to an octopus, looked as if they might reach out and wrap around me at any moment. Their funnel web created a mysterious aura about the spiders, giving them the advantage of being able to sneak up on me. While I sat concentrating on the task at hand, one would dash out to the mouth of the funnel to peek, pause for a moment then dash back inside as if hooked by a rubber band. It could break the strongest concentration, and many times I'd have to make two trips to complete the task or leave with pants the slightest bit damp. It was hard to run and wipe at the same time.

Daddy called the other creature a "thousand-legged worm" and I believed it too!! That worm was about two and a half inches long and completely surrounded by legs. It looked as if it were dressed for trick-or-treat at Halloween in its costume of black and bright yellow, and being unable to tell one end from the other, I wasn't sure whether it was coming or going, but I was usually going! I could feel each of those thousand legs tippy-toeing through my hair at the base of my neck. Often I left without finishing the paperwork!

Most of all I hated the outdoor toilet because it was far from the house. It was in my fifth year of life on a sultry, Sunday afternoon in August, that family and visitors crowded around Daddy on the large front porch listening to him reminisce about horse-breaking in the stable for Paul Bruce, fishing with Gudge Barnette or some bear hunt with Glen Whitt. Daddy was sitting on the front steps whittling magically on a stick. Everyone the this period of relaxation that follows a week of grueling, hard work on a tobacco-dairy farm. Now and then sunlight reflecting from a car traversing the Blue Ridge Parkway would flash through the trees while the drone of a single plane stirring the billowy, buttermilk clouds would slice the peacefulness like a knife. Even the flies were lazy and deliberately slow while savoring each passing breeze for a tantalizing odor.

I just couldn't stand it much longer! I had to go pee! I didn't want to miss the story nor the fascinating game of mumblepeg between two boys on the porch, so I had dawdled too long and knew I would never make it to the outhouse. Mama could plainly see that I was to the fidgeting stage already and since she had to go too, she said, "Come on. Just this once we'll sneak around behind the house but you have to be careful and not be seen". We went out the back door to the right and above the house, passing bedroom windows and near some small bushes. While getting into the squatting position I glanced at Mama doing the same. At first it was funny because of the mischievous thing we were doing until I saw the black snake, coiled and ready to strike only a foot or so from Mama. Being acquainted with snakes from egg-gathering and berry-picking, I was a fast thinker and mover even at five years old. Yelling, "Snake!", I grabbed Mama's hand. Still in the sitting position with my pants down, I waddled along pulling Mama to her knees with her pants still down, and out past the bushes at the front corner of the house into full view of our front porch. People who I don't remember or prefer not too, were now racked with uncontrollable laughter. It must have been a sight to behold!!

This incident led to the gradual demise of the little outdoor toilet. Mama was normally a very shy, easily embarrassed, sweet little old lady but when confronted she became a brick wall of determination. When Daddy sold the tobacco that fall, she insisted on having and indoor "toilet" installed, complete with a tub for bathing. For me it meant no more carrying water for Saturday baths in front of the Home Comfort wood stove in the kitchen, but more important; NO MORE TRIPS TO THE OUTHOUSE!

The little outhouse stood neglected, while insistant pink, white and blue morning glories poked their bright, proud heads through cracks in the door, adorning it with the hope that perhaps someone might pause to say, "Look at the pretty little toilet". The knot holes in the boards watched with sad, basset hound eyes as if pleading with me to stop and sit, even if only for a moment. The door swung open wistfully with each passing breeze while the rusty hinges sang a mournful song.

Hickory shakes from the roof would rise with each wind as if tipping a "Good Day!" to passers by. Gradually the rusty nails began to shrink and slip from their holes causing the boards to sag, allowing spirits from the past to float through the cracks.

With time the little outhouse came down, board by board as Daddy stacked them away, filled the hole with dirt, then planted a grapevine where the little outhouse once stood. The grapevine struggled for survival and still weaves its way through a knobby, gnarled, old weeping willow, but to this day the vine has never seemed healthy nor put forth many grapes. From the past a wispy little voice hauntingly seems to say, "It's my way of getting even!".

Though I hated the little outdoor toilet years ago, soon to be reconstructed, it will proudly welcome each visitor while nestled in its own special place among day lillies, foxglove, iris and azaleas at the edge of my yard.

Each of my stories are written with loving memories of my days with Mama and Daddy, the best parents ever.

Freda Kuykendall
1991

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Idgie's back from the beach!

Hey there.... I had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back from Gulf Shores, Alabama. But I am here and ready to get back to work.

If you held your submissions for my return, go ahead and send them my way! (I could really use some stories/info on Mississippi, Louisiana, and the Carolina's - they are severely lacking here.)

I had a great time and will shortly have two restaurant reviews - fantastic - (LuLu's and Original Oyster House) and also a write up of the conditions of the area itself... which I will say now was distressing to me.... I thought it would be much further along in it's renovations. I fear it's not lack of money, but lack of interest in battling Mother Earth again that's keeping Gulf Shores from being the hustling hive of liveliness and energy it once was.

Anywho, give me a day or two to get settled, and I'll start telling ya'll all about the places to go and places to eat!