Miss Teensy and Collard Greens
Now, last time we met, I told y’all about Teensy Kilbraken of Blue Falls, Alabama, how she buried her beloved dog, Dewey and the resulting furor over Mayor Wolford’s bald spot. It was jest plain scary how that girl blathered on at Dewey’s grave and a few days later…BAM…now she’s seen as two eggs short of a breakfast platter.
But she’s one of us, and southern folk stick together.
Now, Teensy and her momma lived over on Creekside Drive, jest south of Main Street.
When she was thirteen, she had a new pet, a turtle that went by the name of Collard Greens. Teensy loved that turtle, and even though she never fully got over Dewey’s death, she carried that turtle around with her everywhere she went.
She’d be at the Set and Curl with her momma, Annalee Kilbraken, and Collard Greens would be right by her in a little shoebox, chewing on a lettuce leaf. Sometimes you’d even see them in church together. She’d be hidin’ that little turtle box under the pew, so’s the Right Reverend Baker wouldn’t notice way up there on his pulpit.
After church I’d say, "Miss Teensy, what are you doing with that turtle?"
And she’d always respond, "Jest teaching Collard Greens about Jesus, Ma’am."
Now, Randy Joe Lightner lived next door to Teensy and her folks. He was a popular boy, musical and handsome, if you get my meanin’. He would have been all right if he hadn’t have decided one day that he wanted to play tuba for the high school marchin’ band.
For about a week, Randy Joe practiced with that big ol’ tuba in his front yard. Up and down he went, back and forth, playing that oompa oompa and cuttin’ a trail through the grass. Until one day, as Teensy was sitting in the parlor, she noticed that Collard Greens was missin’.
Well, I heard she went hightailin’ it out of that house, screamin’ and a-hollerin’ like there were honeybees in her britches. And Randy just went on a-playin’.
"Collerrrrd! Colllerrrd Greeens! Where are yoooo?"
Ooompa...ooomp...ooomp...ooompa...ooompa.
"Randy! Have you seen Collard Greens?"
Well, poor ol’ Randy was so distracted by all the hollerin’ that he tripped over his momma’s rose bushes and landed on the sidewalk. The tuba and Randy landed with a…
Crunch!
"Ewwww, what was that?" Randy cried out as he turned over to see what he had fallen upon. All he saw was a green smear on his leg and a green blob on the concrete.
" You Killed Collard Greens!" yelled Teensy as she saw his little mashed body.
As Randy tried to explain, Teensy became still and began to chant.
"Collard Greens, Collard Greens,
sat on and squished,
Give Randy numb lips,
It is what I wish.
"Whaaa?" Randy exclaimed as his tongue and then lips turned as numb as a dead frog.
Now y’all know that I am not one to gossip, but poor ol’ Randy was never the same. He had to give up his tuba and dreams of marching with the band and all, but I heard that he eventually regained the feeling in his lips which is a blessin’ you know.
As for Teensy, well, her reputation was well and set. No one knows what to think of her, but whenever a stranger comes to town and sees her dancing on her pets’ graves, we just shrug and say, "Oh, that’s just Miss Teensy," and we steer them in another direction. It’s safer that way.
The ladies over at the Set and Curl said to tell y’all "Howdy" and "goodbye now". Next time, I’ll tell y’all about the time Miss Teensy learned how to swim.