WHY
HE COULDN’T FORGET
by: Robert G. Cowser
Tom Courson remembered well the
weekend just before his nineteenth birthday
when his parents helped his sister find a doctor who would perform an
abortion. Though the events had occurred
more than thirty years before, Tom could recall vividly certain emotions he had
experienced. As he grew older, he found
himself remembering the events of that weekend more often than he had
earlier. If he had married, if he had
fathered a child, perhaps he would not have recalled the events with such
sadness.
Tom’s
parents had no telephone service.
Earlier in the week his sister Ramona wrote a note to them announcing
that she would be arriving Friday evening on the Greyhound bus. She made no reference to her husband, nor did
she give a reason for the impromptu visit.
Tom had
spent the summer at home after having attended the teachers’ college thirty
miles away the previous year. He was
biding his time until the fall term began.
His father had recently moved a small shotgun house on to the property
and had converted it into a barn. He
attached a lean-to to the building, and he planned to store hay in the two
rooms of the house. Tom spent many hours
that summer sitting on the floor of one of the rooms. He read several plays in the Shakespeare
volume that he used as his textbook the year before..
Late Friday afternoon his father
said to Tom, “Why don’t you ride with me to the bus stop? You remember that Ramona is comin’ in on the
bus, don’t you?”
“Sure, I’ll
go along,” Tom said.
The bus was
only twenty minutes late in arriving.
Tom’s father had time to chat with a few men who had stayed in town
later than usual. They liked to plant
themselves in front of Bill’s Grocery, squatting Indian fashion or sitting on
upturned Coca-Cola crates. Tom sat in
the car and watched the trucks and cars moving along the highway that bisected
the little town of Dillon.
Ramona was
the only passenger getting off the bus that particular day. She looked preoccupied, Tom thought, as she
handed her father the overnight kit. Her
brown hair was pulled back from her face, and there were beads of perspiration
on her brow. Tom knew that at times the
air-conditioning system on the buses did not work well.
Dillon was
at the top of a strip of prairie land that lay across the state of Texas like a crescent. As they drove the four miles to the Coursons’
house, Tom looked at the familiar fields on either side of the road. Already, some of the cotton stalks were
beginning to drop their leaves. The
harvest would begin soon. Crews of
pickers would enter the fields each morning as soon as the dew on the bolls had
dried.
With one
hand casually steering the wheel, Mr. Courson waved the other toward the
fields. “Cotton’s good this year. Thrives on hot, dry weather because the
weevils ain’t as thick as they are when it’s rainy. Corn crops is burnt up, though.”
“It’s sure been hot this summer in Dallas. We’ve been usin’ the fan a lot in that
upstairs apartment,” Ramona said.
Neither Tom
nor Mr. Courson asked about Harvey, Ramona’s second husband. He was an alcoholic; he missed work on the
average of a couple of days a week.
Probably he would have already been fired except that when he was sober,
he was the best employee the freight company had at operating the Comptometer.
When they
arrived at the farmhouse, Ramona washed her face and hands with water from the
basin at the kitchen sink. Then she
began to help her mother set the table for the evening meal. Tom went to the shallow pool beside the barn,
taking a bucket with him. He filled the
bucket with the murky water and took it to the calf lot adjacent to the
barn. He wondered how long it would be
before the pool level became so low that he would have to draw water from the
well near the house and carry bucket after bucket to the trough where the two
half-grown calves drank. The calves had reddish
coats with white faces.
As he
opened the door leading to the back porch, he heard his mother and Ramona in
animated conversation. Mr. Courson was
listening to the evening news on the radio in the living room. “We’ll see about helpin’ you git a abortion,”
Tom’s mother said.
Then when
Tom walked into the kitchen, the conversation between Ramona and her mother
stopped abruptly. Mrs. Courson announced
supper, and the family ate. In between
short trips from her chair at the table to the kitchen stove in order
to get hot bread or more rutabaga turnips, she told Ramona
about the births and deaths, the separations and the marriages that had taken
place in Dillon since Ramona had visited.
After
supper, Tom read the entertainment section of that day’s Dallas Morning News,
the newspaper Ramona brought with her. He
noticed that a musical version of The Taming of the Shrew was scheduled for the first week in
September at the State Fair Park Auditorium.
He would like to see the production, but he could not afford the price
of a ticket or bus fare to Dallas.
He remembered well the play he had read for his course the previous semester.
Just before bedtime Ramona took the
flashlight from the kitchen counter. She
said that she was going to the privy, located a few yards behind the house. When she returned to the kitchen a few
minutes later, she took a match from the metal match holder on the wall in
order to light the cigarette she was holding.
Turning to walk into the spare room where she would sleep, she called
over her shoulder, “I can’t have this baby.
I’ve got to make a livin’.” His
parents and Tom already knew that Ramona’s husband was not a reliable provider.
Tom was disappointed that his
parents supported Ramona’s plan to get an abortion. However, he was resigned to the fact that
they probably could find a local physician willing to perform the
abortion. He knew that certain local
women had been successful in doing so.
Two years
before Tom had been told that during the
previous school year one of his former high school teachers had gone to a
clinic in the town where the teachers’ college was located. Supposedly the surgeon there performed an
appendectomy on the teacher, though reports from some of the high school
students were that she had gone to the hospital for an abortion. Rumors circulated that one of the boys in the
eleventh grade fathered the child.
The next
morning Tom went to the barn. If Ramona
and his mother wanted to talk privately, then he would leave them free to do so. After he had watered the two calves in the
pen, he went into the front room. In a
trunk he found some of the essays he had written the year before in his
composition class. He sat on the floor
and read them. Then he picked up the
Shakespeare volume in order to resume reading Henry IV, Part I. His mother had told them that she planned an
early lunch, so after he had finished reading a few more pages of the play, he
returned to the house.
Tom’s
parents and Ramona hardly talked at lunch.
Tom ate quickly so that his mother could clear the table. He noticed that she was wearing one of the
chambray dresses she wore only when she was going to church or to shop in the
county seat. Ramona ate hurriedly and
then went to the room where she had slept.
Tom heard her rummaging through the overnight kit that she had brought
with her. He decided to return to the
barn where he had spent the morning. He
did not want to be at the house when his parents and Ramona left.
While
standing behind the barn, he heard the engine of his father’s car and then the
sound of the wheels on the pavement as his father drove the car north toward
the main highway. They would drive first
to the county seat where Dr. Shrode lived.
Years before he had treated Ramona when she had almost died of
diphtheria. While the women sat in the
car under the shade of one of the tall elms that lined the street where Dr.
Shrode lived, Tom’s father would go inside.
He would plead with Dr. Shrode to perform an abortion on Ramona.
* * * * *
After his
parents died, Tom took a teaching job in a high school in the Panhandle of Florida. He rented an apartment in Pensacola and commuted to the school where he
taught. Ramona divorced Harvey soon after she had
the abortion. She worked for several
years at minimum-wage jobs in Dallas. Eventually she returned to the farm house in
Dillon where she spent her last days.
She died alone of congestive heart disease one summer afternoon.
As he sat
in the darkening room, Tom remembered how he resented that Ramona had come to
his parents for help in getting an abortion.
If she had remained in Dallas,
he would never have had to deal directly with the fact of her decision. He might have considered that Harvey forced her to get
the abortion.
Once more,
Tom’s mind returned to that Saturday afternoon when Ramona and his parents
drove away. Since the calves were
particularly thirsty that day, Tom had gone to the pond for several pails of
water. In between two of the trips he scratched
the top of one calf’s neck and the ridge at the top of its head. He also touched the calf’s nose and noticed
how cool and moist the tip of the nose felt, even though it was a hot day.
Perhaps thinking
of the calf’s thirst made Tom acutely
aware that his throat felt particularly dry. He stood up and walked the few paces to the
sink so that he could fill a glass with tap water. He drank the tepid water and then walked to
the shower in preparation for going to a restaurant nearby. Though he would be sitting alone in a booth
or at a table, dining in a busy restaurant would be a welcomed change from
eating in his apartment.
Over the
years, Tom gradually realized that the man or woman who would have developed
from that fetus that was aborted would probably still be alive somewhere on the
planet. He or she might have fathered or
borne a child, possibly several. The
bond of family between Tom and each member of this imaginary group would have
been important to him.
As Tom
closed the front door behind him and stepped out on the balcony on his way to
the stairs that led to the parking lot, he heard the sounds of children at
play. Looking toward the swing set and
the sandbox near the complex, he saw a boy and a girl, each approximately five
years old. He heard intermittent shouts
of glee from one and then the other. The
spontaneous laughter was in sharp contrast to the continuous hum of the
refrigerator’s motor he had heard while in the apartment.
When he
reached the bottom of the stairs, Tom glanced in the direction of the apartment
building facing his. He saw a girl
running from the stairs leading to the second floor of that building. The girl’s hair was cut short in the same
style Tom had seen his sister Ramona wearing in a photograph taken of her when
she was in elementary school. After he
began walking toward his car, he heard the girl laughing. Turning his head, Tom saw again the boy and the
other girl he had noticed earlier at the swing set. The two were pumping their swings in sweeping
arcs as Tom automatically felt inside his pocket for the key to the ignition.
___________________
Bio:
Robert Cowser is a native of Texas who now lives in Martin, TN. He writes memoirs, poetry, and fiction. His chapbook Selected Poems 1985-2010, 2nd Ed was recently published by The University of Tennessee at Martin. His poems have appeared recently in English Journal and The Distillery, and an essay in The Chiron Review.
___________________
Bio:
Robert Cowser is a native of Texas who now lives in Martin, TN. He writes memoirs, poetry, and fiction. His chapbook Selected Poems 1985-2010, 2nd Ed was recently published by The University of Tennessee at Martin. His poems have appeared recently in English Journal and The Distillery, and an essay in The Chiron Review.