He Tweaked My Nose, Officer

He Tweaked My Nose, Officer
A Short True Story
Author: Paul Tosh
Amazon Kindle
 
Story Description:

Natalie Tosh is a probation officer who seems to get more than her fair share of odd cases. Paul Tosh (the author) is her husband, who has to listen to Natalie’s work stories over dinner. Paul is lucky. While most husbands have to hear about spiteful bickering and futile office politics, Paul is privy to a firsthand slice of life from the less-glamorized segment of American society. Now you are, too.

In this true account, we learn the story of a man who is no longer a free
citizen because he could not resist the urge to “tweak his grandmother’s
nose.” We watch the case unfold during Natalie’s normal daily routine,
during which we also experience the frustrating ebb and flow of a
unionized government work environment which breeds some of the greatest
unpublicized leeches on taxpayer resources.

An excerpt from the story:

“So,” Natalie said, wrapping things up, “if you screw up, you know what’s going to happen, right?”

“Yes Mrs. Tosh,” Gerald said.

“Tell me what that is,” she said.

“You’re going to arrest me,” he said with the typical drudging voice of someone sitting in that chair.

“And if that happens,” Natalie continued, “whose fault will that be, yours or mine?”

“Oh, that will be my fault.” 

Natalie looked at him a little closer now. Late twenties, shaved head, some bruises on his arms, a few small tats on the neck and hands (some of which looked homemade). Basically, he looked like one of those white-power punks. She didn’t think he actually was one, but that’s how the police would likely classify him. Natalie wasn’t worried about him being dangerous. After all, she didn’t go to the field. All her clients came to her, and when she needed to arrest one of them, she simply called them to come in for an appointment, and she told them on the phone that they would be taken into custody when they arrived. On average, about half of them would come to that appointment. The other half simply got a warrant issued when they didn’t show. None of her clients had ever gotten angry with her; in fact, many had thanked her even as she was arresting them. Natalie credited her indoctrination speal for that. She made all her clients confess in advance whose fault it would be if she had to arrest them.

“Gerald,” Natalie said, “you are staying with your grandmother?”

“Yes …well I was. I guess that is where I will be, either there or at my mom’s house.”

“You were arrested at your grandmother’s house. I see here she called the police on you, and said the two of you were fighting.”

“Yes, we argue sometimes, but that’s okay, we still love each other. I help her out with things around the house.”

“Well, that’s really nice,” Natalie said. “I just want to make sure I know where you are staying, and that you will be okay there.” 

“Now,” Natalie continued, “when the police arrived, you came out in the front yard, according to the report, and were acting out of control and started pounding on two of the policemen with your fists. What happened there?”

“Oh …I wasn’t pounding on them, one of them grabbed my arm and it hurt, so I just kind of pushed him away.”

Natalie stared at him for a moment and then said, “There’s one more thing I forgot to tell you. Don’t lie to me. If you lie to me, I will find out about it. I don’t want you wasting my time with lies. So, if you lie to me, you know what’s going to happen, right?”

“You’re going to arrest me.”

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