Letters From The Barn: The Itsy Bitsy Spider
I learned something today. Hopefully, you will not need to make my same mistake. It turns out that when you get industrious and take off after spiderwebs up around the ceiling that, well, sometimes they still contain spiders. Big ones. Really, really big ones. Ones so big that when they fall in your hair you kinda wish you had an immediate retroactive haircut.
So, here's my advice. Should you feel the need to de-cobweb your ceiling, consider just heading off to the hairdressers first. You might look nice in a buzz cut. Or, I guess you could go for a mowhawk so then the spider could have himself a nice, little lawn right down the center of your head. Hopefully,that way he'd ignore the little bare patches everywhere else and be less likely to go walking down into your ears looking for a hammock. I think. Probably.
And keep your mouth closed. That's kinda important. You can scream with a closed mouth, right? Then flail and thrash with your broom or stick or whatever it is you take spider hunting. You might consider a gun, which would no doubt work nicely, but might leave a few troublesome holes. It's up to you, though.
As when the spider jumped off your head and survived a broom attack he'd have somewhere safe to go hide until you conned someone else to take up arms against him. Not that you would do such a thing. You face your spiders head on. With a beekeeper's suit. Just like any sane person does.
Author: Meriwether O' Connor