Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A Particular Love

A Particular Love

By gina below

She never once condemned him for the life he led, the places he had been or the things that he had done. This was not a lifestyle that she would ever have chosen or understood, but she would easily cross the borders of one to the other without even a ripple in the cosmos. She would bravely walk into the darkness that he had chosen to live in and sit down beside him and smile, hold witty conversations with the people there, and then get up to leave taking his hand beckoning him to follow her away from this cave of despair. Sometimes he would follow her into the light, but most of the time no. But she would always return time after time, into his world, his reality. She was so far removed from this, naive with a strange innocence, he was sure she had no idea what she was doing, but every time he needed her, there she was, laughing at something he said, smiling at him, talking to these people like there was nowhere else she would rather be. She was totally immune to their charm.

It had been such a gradual thing for him; he had begun to look for her when she was not there, wonder what she was doing in her world, stand at the edge of his dark world and look into hers just for a glimpse of her and just to hear her laugh, call her just to hear her voice. He missed her when she was not with him. But not once had she asked him to change or leave his chosen profession, not once. But when he had asked her, she left everything she knew to be with him. She had just taken his hand and jumped, with no questions asked.

It could not work, this particular love. Odds were stacked against them. She was too young, he was too jaded. She was too inexperienced, he had seen too much. She had her dreams, and she had no clue at the demons that chased him. But she was everything he had ever wanted and when he looked at her and heard her laughter, he had hope. He had thought he was too far gone for hope; it was a foreign feeling for him. He wasn’t entirely sure what to do with it. But here it was living and breathing inside him and every time he heard her voice it grew. But he had no right to ask her to stay. She had no idea what she was in for with him. This was no kind of life for her.

His demons were dancing in his eyes as he had contemplated on how to tell her he was leaving. It would hurt her he knew, but it was for the best, he would hurt her eventually anyway. He was prepared to walk away clean, but you just couldn’t walk away from someone like her clean, you always left something behind. He held her one more time in the fading light of the evening and she looked up at him with concern in her eyes. She had read his mind; she knew exactly what he was thinking. He tried to look away but her eyes held his and then she said, “I’ll take whatever you can give me,” She did not smile, she was sure of her words; she knew exactly what she was saying. She laid her head against his chest and listened to the beat of his heart. In that moment, in that heartbeat of time he grabbed the lifeline she had thrown him and held on tight. His cool demeanor belied the turmoil that raged inside him and he could not stop himself from saying, “It’s too late, I can’t change.” She nodded her head as it lay on his chest, but all she said was “Okay” and she continued to hold him.

He remembered sometime ago praying for this, he could not have known that she had prayed for him as well. He would take it for the gift it was for this moment in time, and she stayed. He had warned her, but she stayed. She stayed and she loved him, and she laughed with him, and she was quiet with him, and she hoped with him.

Then one day he had looked up and he was surrounded by light, the darkness had fallen away piece by piece, the unsavory characters that had been such a part of his life had skulked away, and there was just her and the life that they had made together. New people and friends of fortitude and morality surrounded him and he was surprised by how this had happened, but he was pleased. He had not realized this had been the life he sought and desired a life with her, a life of theirs. Theirs was a particular love.


Author: Gina Below