Sunday, August 27, 2006

Survival – Southern Style

By Redoubt@ Sin City

Right off the bat, I am a dedicated, lifelong advocate of most all things southern. In my life, I’ve been fortunate enough to eat some of the best food, experience the best culture and learn the rich history of the US southeast. So when I hear anyone speak ill of my beloved homeland, I naturally attribute it to simple ignorance.

But now that I’ve secured my place in heaven by speaking those words, I have to tell you that as close as it really does come, even the south ain’t entirely perfect. There are some terribly dangerous things that can and will snatch a knot in your butt if you are not careful.

In a previous submission, we spoke to sandspurs and other painful life forms that grudgingly coexist alongside of us. Today, we’re going to have a gander at some strictly southern, but wholly man-made hazards. Please attend…

#1 - The Whole-Bird Chicken Sammich.

I have no idea who thought this one up but there are some eateries that will attempt to bust your choppers with chicken sammiches that come not only with the obligatory chicken but… with the bones still sprouting from it too.
When I was younger, we used to make cheese and bologna sammiches for our friends by leaving the plastic wrapper and red ring still attached. One bite and they got a whole slice of meat and cheese dangling from their mouths. It was a hoot!

But with these chicken offerings, if you are not careful, you can do some mighty serious damage to yourself. Now don’t get me wrong, the bird between the buns is usually pretty good eating but doggonit, that bone can be a killer on your teeth!

# 2 – Football Season in Alabama

Once a year when the University of Alabama and Auburn get together to duke it out in the Iron Bowl, you might just as well hang up your coat, take off your shoes and sit a spell. You ain’t going nowhere because the state officially closes up shop for about 3 hours that day.

Forget getting gasoline because the attendant is watching the game and you will not be able to dislodge him from it with a tire iron. Wait a minute, you might not even want to bring that tire iron in case the wrong team should score…

Forget getting an airplane ticket too, because all the security scanners are tuned in to the contest.

Really, just forget about doing anything except maybe drinking some beer and yelling really loud, using words and phrases that cause entire species of native wildlife to go extinct.

NOTE: Smart tourists just plan around this time to begin with or take appropriate action to survive by securing enough food and water for the duration.

# 3 – Fireworks

We here in the south take our gunpowder very seriously. Not only do we arm ourselves to the eyeballs with every sort of gun you could imagine, we like to put flame to firecrackers and bottle rockets as well.

Now, it should go without saying that our cemeteries are packed with generations of folks whose last words were typically, ‘Hey y’all, watch this!” So, knowing when to just walk away and then, knowing when to run is a definite plus.

For our yankee cousins, anytime you see a sign that advertises fireworks and then things like food or movies or fishing bait in the same breath, you should immediately get into your car and drive back as far north as you can.

Bubba – “I’ll have the Cold Cut Combo, a hundred Black Cat Mega Blasters and one of them things what looks like an artillery shell… oh, and an iced tea, please.”

Yes, southerners love their iced tea and are usually very polite. This means you do have enough time to get the hell out of there before this fellah demonstrates the proper way to both eat a sub sammich and collect on his life insurance policy.

Well, that’s enough for now. All that talk about chicken, cold cuts and gunpowder done made me hungry as a March bear. So, whilst you peruse the rest of this fine website, I’ll just mosey off to the kitchen to see if there are any of them fried pies left in the ice box.

Til next time, y’all!