Thursday, August 11, 2005

Food-O-Scope

Many Southerners get real squinty-eyed about horoscopes and the folks that reads them. But if we just change all the star signs to symbols that all true Southerners understand, well then...

Symbols like:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of hisself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful; they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. Most of the men in Pancake Flats are Boll Weevils. They break stuff just to see if it will break.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or maybe not. My friend Curtis is a Moon Pie!

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but your head is on real straight. If you’re anxious to get married, look for a Moon Pie that lives near the water.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in "the melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, Little League baseball coaches and Awanas leaders. As far as your personal life goes, if you are a Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for potential loved ones. You Catfish are hard people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by just about everyone. Catfish should certainly stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they serve cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. You are pure in heart. Hmmm…do I see My First Wife?

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you wants, because yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. Boiled peanuts and Catfish! Mm-Hmmm! What a delicacy!

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along real good with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel right at home in Atlanta or in Hot Coffee, Mississippi. You can sit next to anybody on the Greyhound bus. However, you should find happiness with a Moon Pie. Or a butterscotch cream pie!

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. For you, a good evening is old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, and some of Bertie’s Rhubarb Pie. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another kinky mating possibility.

You can read this and other interesting things at my blog, Writing from the Hip. Stop in and say "Hi."

9 comments:

Idgie @ the "Dew" said...

I am a "berled p-nut".

I think it fits!

Romani Heart said...

I'm a armadillo. My gawd lol. GC says it fits, tough exterior and all.

Laura said...

This was so weird, the descriptions "fit" the personalities of every person in my family!! LOL!
I'm a collard! July 1st :)

Thanks Paul :)

Flourish & Blotts said...

Thanks! You had me ROTFL. - Flourish

aka_Meritt said...

Your friend Meritt is a Moon Pie.

:)

poopie said...

grits...take two ;)

JB said...

Well THIS "boiled peanut" is giving it up to you cause you have me nailed! The thing is if I'm "charmed" someone forgot to tell me about it!

Love the blog :)

YellowRose said...

I'm a butter bean, and just moved to Atlanta and feel right at home! So it hit the nail on the head! :)

Phyllis S said...

Ima Possum. Always felt a connection to George (Jones, that is).